Sunday, July 28, 2013

Top "Moves" Men Make After Marriage

I have been out and about quite a bit this summer, since joining an active blogger group that "does stuff". We go out to lots of menu tastings, family activities and I have even gone to a couple of night time events without my husband. A couple of weeks ago at one of these events, some guy hit on my with this gem: Hey, I like your chest. Yes, some dude really said that to me. I simply turned to him and said, "My husband even tries harder than that." Zing!
Later, I got to thinking about the kind of moves men make after getting married. You know, moves. The (sometimes sad) things our husbands do to instigate, uh, marital relations. Ya follow me? Okay. Let's dig in.

The Whiner
It's true that after the honeymoon is over and kids are in the mix, sex usually occurs less as the priority for sleep moves its way up the ladder of night time activities. Many men feel the need to vocalize the days, minutes and seconds since the last time "it" occurred, emphasizing that it's been soooo loooooong. What he doesn't realize is that you have been surrounded by whiners all day. You are an impenetrable fortress of Momness and whining gets no where with you. Usually.

The Creepo
You're not quite asleep, but dozing off. Your husband seems to be asleep. In a yawn/shifting his weight move, his hand makes its way to one of two places: Your chest or your nether regions. His hand just kind of lingers, awkwardly, for a minute while he waits to see what happens. If nothing happens, the move is repeated. And repeated. And repeated until he has rolled over onto his side and given up. Or you have given in (hey, it happens to the best of us).

The Naked Man
My husband has never seen How I Met Your Mother. This is a real move and it really does work 2 out of 3 times. You come into a room and he just is. I always scratch my head as to why this works, but it does. Darn you, Naked Man!

The We're Both in the Shower, so....
You get in the shower, he thinks it is an open invitation. Guess what? It isn't. But without fail, he still tries EVERY DAMN TIME YOU GET IN THE SHOWER. And then he's just in there; hogging the showerhead, bumping into you (also part of his move) while you're trying to shave your armpits. For the love of all that's holy--do not drop the soap

The, But It Didn't Happen in the Shower, so...
If you were able to swat him away and successfully take a shower, the next move is pretty much an extension of The Naked Man (which works 2 outta 3 times, remember?). My fist will forever be shaken at the effectiveness of that move.

The Couch Cuddler
The kids are asleep and you are on the couch watching Netflix. He squeezes in, because he wants to watch Hungy For Change (as if!), but he immediately gets all handsy with you. So, you turn on The Expendables 2 and he leaves you alone. **FYI This is also his move to get you to turn on The Expendables 2.

And that wraps up my list of top tried and (occasionally) true moves. I mean, at least they have moves, right? It's how I can be sure that whatever I'm doing is working for my husband. And let's face it, we kind of like that attention, don't we?
P.S. Sorry if I grossed you out with a TMI, Mom.


  1. Hahahaha! This is hilarious and SO TRUE!

    1. I'm glad you got it. I was worried about the reaction I would get for writing about this kind of stuff!

  2. hah! i was nodding at all of these. they definitely happen in my household too. especially the whiner and the creepo. i swear, my husband has a calender where he writes down when we do it. he seems to have it down to the exact second.

    1. i told my husband about this post. he didn't seem very thrilled that other men have the same 'moves' as him. :)

    2. My husband was like, " I don't want anyone copying the creepo. It should be trademarked."
      ..because it's so romantic? Guys. *shakes head*

  3. So, that's what he has been up to? Just kidding!

  4. LOL This is so true! My Husband likes to switch off from Whiner, to Creepo, to Naked depending on his moods. I don't get how he hasn't caught on that Naked works like a charm everytime, but whatever.