Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Feeling Selfish

Today I don't want to do this. I don't want to be a step mom today. I don't want to have to remember that my husband was with another woman today. Loved another woman so much that they had 3 children today. I just don't. I want to pretend that it is just me and my husband today. We're 18 again and can spend the whole day hitting up thrift stores and searching for the best apple fritter in Orange County.
photo by irocksowhat art and design 

But I can't.
And I can't pull myself together, either.
I have a hard time when we have to pick up the kids on our "off time". It always seems to fall on a day that I magically would have had alone time with my husband. Their Mother has to work, or has to go do whatever it is she has to do and there is no other option for babysitting. So, of course, I get upset and ruin everyone's day.
It is selfish of me, but I want his attention, too. In a marriage that is so blatantly about other people's children, and in a marriage where we have no children of our own, I just feel so jipped sometimes.
When we stick to a schedule where I can deal and plan my life to have a few moments of time with my husband and time with my daughter solo-I can handle this gig. I can handle the hard truth that this isn't about me and I do just fine. I cherish my role as Mom #2 and Mother of 4. But on these last minute, "She needs us to pick up the girls" days...I break down.
I know that this is just me being emotional and selfish, but I just have to write this. Regardless of what is blog material or what is TMI. I just have to get this off my chest. I have kept such a supermom front for almost a year, and it isn't working for me internally anymore. Sorry in advance-more stepmom posts will be published.
I just have to be real with myself and actually deal with the downs of this.
I'm certain that later today I will be fine, I will see the kid's faces and laugh with them, and this blog tantrum will seem so trivial. I will literally say, "What was I so upset about? I'm such an idiot." Because whenever I see the girls, a wave of love washes over me and I cannot be selfish. I do love having extra time with them, and I know deep down that we are really lucky to see them on an almost daily basis. And deal with their mother on an almost daily basis.
Lucky us.

8 comments:

  1. This is so hard--not only did you get a ready made family, you got it with almost no preamble. Can you plan a weekend away? Even a weekend away to a hotel down the block? And if the 3 need an emergency pick up, can Mom do it? Or--conversely--leave J with all the girls and come to me.

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  2. I like the last idea. On my way.

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  3. Wait a second. You are right to be upset though. You do need time for yourselves too. You or you both shouldn't feel like you’re being selfish. It’s important to listen to your feelings and talk them out because if you don't, you will quickly become uninterested and the table will quickly turn. Schedules are very important and should be respected so that each family is getting the correct amount of time. Emergencies are understood but if it’s not an emergency then NO has to be understood and respected as well. There has to be a healthy balance for everyone.

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    1. Balance. That is a magical word! I am just going to copy paste this comment into my brain and repeat it to my husband the next time this happens.

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  4. You have every right to be upset. You guys need time for yourselves - it's important for your marriage & for your sanity. Don't ever feel like you can't post your true feelings on your blog. I love when bloggers are open & honest. It's nice to have an outlet. You are a wonderful mother & stepmother and being selfish once in awhile isn't going to change that :)

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  5. I don't feel like this is selfish at all. You are being true to your feelings and emotional needs, and there is nothing wrong with that. Putting your own negative judgements on your emotions will only cause you to feel even worse!! Accept your feelings for what they are, know that it is totally ok to feel that way, and you'll feel AT LEAST 50% better, even if nothing else changes.

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  6. sorry julie. i know it sucks a lot. i've got my fingers crossed for you guys...

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