Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Fair Toilet Paper Act: Thoughts From The Big Chair

We go through an insane amount of toilet paper in my home. We all seem to have bladders the size of thimbles. I estimate that I spend about $30 a month on TP. That's $360 a year, professor. I don't buy the nice stuff, either. It seems to me, that we fuss about health care, prescriptions, how about a Fair Toilet Paper Act? I mean, at the end of the day (or in the morning for some), everyone needs it.


Granted, we would have to regulate the sale of TP, number of squares per household, plys per person, etc. The misuse of America Wipes (we would most certainly brand and rename government issued TP) would be punishable by law. Toilet papering houses, wrap your partner in TP relays, excessive nose wiping-use a hanky, people- would carry a fine of no less than $300. Egg sales would increase, as teens would have to find Saturday night alternatives, and the black market for quilted, 3 ply products would flourish.
Perhaps, low income families would receive some sort debit card for toilet paper?
The TP tax would cause an outrage.
We'd see TP Party rallies pop up for sure: Leave my Plys alone! Don't Tax My Ass! Wipe Out Unfair Taxation!

But, I would not find myself stranded in the bathroom, as I was this morning, begging my children for assistance and having to look my 3 y/o in the eye as she literally bailed my ass out (with a McDonald's napkin, no less).
And that's the bottom line.


  1. Well, I know what to get you for your birthday, now...

  2. you are hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!

    & Cat looks adorable. i really miss you guys.


    I'll see you this Sat at the conference :)

    p.s. Niko almost clogged the damn toilet today with a whole role of tp!
    its either that, or he doesn't wipe sometimes. sheesh.

  3. Nicely, I understand things to enable you to get for the birthday celebration, right now...

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